Thursday, 18 April 2013

10 things I hate about Facebook

I'm just going to get right in to it.

1. Vague status updates

You know the ones. The ones that make your blood boil but also make you hate yourself because you only get half a story and you WANT TO HEAR ALL THE STORY AND BE NOSY without actually interacting with the person posting. An example would be 'You think you know someone and then... thought you were my friend' WHAT! What happened! Tell me more! Are you hoping I'll ask? Because I won't. Laters.

2. Concerned friends responding to vague status update

'Oh no sorry hon, what's happened? I'm here if you need me' GAAAAAAAAH!! You don't even care!! You're just posting that because you're nosy! You probably never talk to each other in REAL life and since when was 'hon' even a word?

3. Baby bores

Uh oh, I'm sure I'm going to touch a nerve with this one... a LOT of my friends have babies now and while I'm over the moon for them, I REALLY don't need to see pictures of their children's bowel movements on my newsfeed. BOAK. That's not what Mark Zuckerberg had in mind when he created Facebook!

4. Plain boring bores

You know the ones, they're sat at home, they go on Facebook and update their status to read 'I'm bored'.
Well good for YOU. You've just bored me by typing those very words. Why don't you go outside and meet people? Why don't you do SOMETHING?

5. 'Having such a great night!' liars

The status update reads 'OMG having the BEST night ever!' Oh yeah? Why do I not believe you? Oh yes because if you actually were having the BEST NIGHT EVER you probably wouldn't have the time to get on FB and type that, would you? Hmmm? Am I right? Are you trying to make someone jealous?

6. Break up announcements

'Fred Smith is now listed as single' or whatever it says. Cue a flurry of gasps and oh-my-god-no-way-are-you-ok-hon responses. It's all so clinical and yucky. Plus it's completely awkward for the other person in the doomed relationship who didn't make the update first.

7. 'Click Like if you are against bullying/cancer/gang rape' 

Oh my god. Like, of COURSE I'm against gang rape and I'd love to be part of a movement to raise awareness, what do I need to do? Oh, just like this picture you say? OK. I guess that will help do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE SITUATION other than make me even angrier. GOD.

8. What goes on tour stays on Facebook

Nowadays, nothing is secret. Absolutely zip all. If you go on a night out, it's pretty much guaranteed that before your drunken head hits the pillow, there will be ten pictures of you hitting the internet - five of which you probably uploaded yourself - leading to a string of notifications in the morning/afternoon the next day.

9. Facebook chat

Why am I typing messages to you in this tiny little box when I could be calling you or better still *gasp* talking to you FACE-TO-FACE! No one can remember feeling anything other than pissed off when a message box pops up with someone you haven't spoken to in years wanting to 'chat'. Piss off, I was only on here to spy on someone and stalk my way through their photos - I don't want to CHAT.

10. That little red notification flag of doom/joy

What is it about that little red notification flag that can make or break our day?? When did we get so bothered about what other people thought of a status/picture/video? Why do you feel so empty and worthless when you click on Facebook to be greeted with NOTHING. HAHA NO FRIENDS! NO ONE LIKES ANYTHING YOU POSTED. YOU ARE WORTHLESS - oh wait, I just got a notification! Yay!

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