Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Why I'll never be as glam as Italians...

I recently had the good fortune to visit Sorrento in Italy, and it was my first visit to Italy, like ever.

Beautiful, no?

I only had four days there, but it gave me enough time to realise a few things:

  • I f*cking love pizza. I didn't see this coming because I'm not really a pizza fan
  • I hate England. No, actual hate. It might be beautiful in places, but it's still depressing
  • I will never be as glam as Italians
Now, I generally don't use the word cool to sum myself up, nor would anyone that knows me. I generally get 'quirky' or 'funny' OR LOUD (Deal With It) which works for me. If I'm wearing my brogues, I might even be called 'cute' but not cool.

Here's why I'll never be as cool as Italians:

1. I don't speak Italiano
Oh heck, Italian is such a cool language. Even if it's limited to just being spoken in Italy, I could sit and listen to two Italians chatting all day. Hell I don't even think they use punctuation! That would just slow it all down.

2. I don't smoke
I know it's not cool not to smoke but I don't smoke. If I was a glam Italian girl, I'd be able to pull a cigarette out of the packet with my teeth, light it effortlessly (whilst having dangerously shiny hair) and I'd be able to breathe the smoke out of my nostrils while chatting a mile a minute in Italian.

3. I don't own a Vespa or anything with a motor
Two wheels good, two feet bad. I can't describe the feeling you get when a glam Italian girl whizzes past you on her scooter laughing away to her friend on the back. It's probably the most inadequate you'll ever feel! When they're walking down the road with their helmets on, don't you dare laugh... they STILL look cool. Help.

4. If I did own a scooter, I'd have Helmet Hair
Yep. My hair hates me. It likes to mould itself to anything, so if I happen to tuck a bit behind my ear, when untucked it keeps the shape of my ear. I don't even want to think what would happen if I wore a helmet in the hot sun... Sheesh.

5. Talking of hair...
While we're on the subject of hair, I noticed during my trip how sleek everyone's hair seemed to be. My hair has never once been called sleek, the closest it's been called is SLICK man, yeah. Slick.

In conclusion: I will never be as glam as Italian women and would look stupid wearing a helmet.

So there we are. Pretty sure there are more reasons but that'll do for now. Gotta keep the self-esteem in some kind of check. Rule Brittania. Where are my brogues?

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