7 things you DON'T want to hear your safari driver say...

I've been lucky enough to have been on a few different safaris in my life so far and it's such an amazing feeling waking up in the morning knowing all you have to do that day is spot animals and eat a buffet lunch, then sip a beer in the evening as the sun sets while you watch the animals at a nearby watering hole...

... What was I saying? I started day dreaming on a major scale there...

I've been to:

* Shimba Hills Reserve
* Tsavo East
* Tsavo West
* The Serengeti
* Lake Nakuru National Park
* Lake Naivasha National Park
* Ngorongoro Crater - Amazing!

I am desperate to get to the Masai Mara and Amboseli but there's plenty of time for that...

Anyway, here's a few things you NEVER want your safari driver to say...

1. "Ah shoot, I forgot my glasses"

Essentially, what you see on your safari depends on two things; luck and your driver's eyesight. So if your driver isn't wearing his glasses... get ready to see a whole lot of nothing!

2. "Here we have a giraffe... oh wait, that's a dead tree"

Hmmm if your safari driver can't spot the difference between a dead tree and a giraffe, be worried.

3. "Don't panic, but we've run out of fuel"

It's getting dark, there are no other vehicles on the roads in sight and you're at the side of the road with an empty tank... what are those things shining in the distance? Are they eyes???

4. "Have you seen the way out?"

Safari parks are big. There are lots of roads that wind round and around. If your driver asks this question, just laugh nervously and look out the window and assume it's a joke.

5. "Don't panic but I can't close the roof and a cheetah/leopard/bird of prey is about to get in the truck"

Sometimes there will be animals on top of your safari vehicle. You do NOT want to hear these words from your guide.

6. (Looking at a lion) "I've never seen one of those before"

Err. That's a lion. Who did you train with again?

7. (Around the campfire before you're about to sleep in the wild. In a tent.) "The last time I was here, the funniest thing happened, this LION was under our truck when I got up in the morning".

Yeah this one happened when I was camping in the Serengeti. Just what you want to hear before going to sleep hey?

Good night!

Remembering Catty...

I miss my beautiful boy so much. He sure LOVED to sleep and eat and meow and he is missed a LOT around the place. I found these photos on the computer the other day and wanted to share them.

Should I get another cat now or wait a few months? He can't be replaced, that's for sure. He was a one of a kind cat.

3 questions not to ask me...

Oh my days. It's as if I never left this country and went to live in Kenya for three months. I can feel myself getting absorbed back in to 'normal' life here and that's not good.

There's a black cloud over my head today that I can't shift. Normally I try to be the most positive person I know, but it's hard today.

Want to know why? People insist on asking the most STUPID questions about my time abroad and I can't even try to sum up how amazing the experience was in the small window of time people have for me to answer. I feel like I'm on COUNTDOWN.

If you really want to know what it was like to live in Kenya, give me at least an hour. Let me sit down somewhere with a projector and speakers and play you a video. Let me wax lyrical about the people, the food, the weather, the transport, the music, the nights out, the days in, the hangovers, the highs, the lows, the food poisoning... all of it.

But whatever you do, don't ask me any of the following... I am allowed to punch you if you do.

1. "Where's your tan?" This is my number one shortcut to punching you square in the face. Look at me. I'm English. I'm not Spanish, Italian, Greek. I'm English. In short, I burn, I peel and then I go back to this same pasty, pale shade you're looking at right now. Me and Nicola Roberts are the same. You know, her from Girls Aloud.

I am SO over it. What I'm more interested in is how the experience has changed ME INSIDE. You really think I care about getting a tan when I'm surrounded by the most interesting people I've ever met? Oh hold that thought, let me instead go and lie on a beach bed and stare at the sun while it attempts to cook me alive and miss out on other experiences.

All the above comes from the fact that I'm bitter about the fact that I can't tan of course, but it really is such a stupid thing to say to someone, especially when skin cancer is such a risk from sunbathing. I'd much rather come home paler than be at risk from skin cancer thank you. *reaches for fake tan*

2. "Is it safe there?" It's 2013, Kenya is not run by SAVAGES. They have MALLS, CARS, WIFI (albeit, shockingly slow...) PIZZA OVENS,  MOBILE BANKING. Most of all, they have community, people talk to each other, people know each other (gasp!) and I feel a hell of a lot safer on the streets of Mombasa than I do in Leeds. Yes there is crime, but show me somewhere that there isn't and I'll move there right now, you watch me. Help me carry this box of wooden souvenirs.

3. "What are you going/do you want to do now you're back in England?" OH I DON'T KNOW. ALL I WANT TO DO AT THE MOMENT IS SIT AT THE WINDOW AND HOWL AT THE MOON AT THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL. I miss my cat, I hate that he got put to sleep, I hate that it's cold, I hate having to wear TIGHTS over my new tattoo while it is healing. I hate going to the supermarket. I want to go back to Kenya. THAT'S what I want to do now I'm back in England. Instead I have to get a job and shiver.

So, like I say, settling in back home is going pretty well. You have been warned, I WILL punch you square in the face if you ask me any of the above.

Adapting to living in England again...

I've mostly been wearing sleeves and tights, I haven't had to think about those things for a few months.

Things that are nice about being home:

• Being with The Boy (of course) I missed him a fair bit
• Snuggling! I love snuggles! There was no snuggling when we were both in Kenya, it was too hot
• Having the TV to myself during the day when Josh is at work (I don't have a job yet)
• Wearing different clothes to the select clothes I had with me and having my full range of accessories
• I suppose it is nice to bundle up and go outside for a walk
• Red wine by open fires

Things that are shit about being home:

• It's not Kenya
• Kenya felt more alive, everyone here seems so weary and fed up
• It's freezing
• I don't have a job
• The beach is miles away and it's freezing
• There are no matatus
• It's not Kenya

So to sum up, I think I'm doing quite well at adapting to being back in England. I can't WAIT for my first job interview!

So I'm Home...

I arrived back in the UK two days ago. I've been shivering for two days. Yesterday I felt more positive than I do today.

I've had:

- one bath (and one shower)
- seven cups of tea
- five episodes of Friends
- two kit kat chunky bars
- one walk around the park
- four glasses of red wine

I'm staring at my suitcase, willing it to unpack itself. The reason I stopped is that a spider crawled out of it as I started unpacking and I'm fairly sure it came all the way from Kenya... a friend! A friend from Kenya!

I've been finding homes for my souvenirs - I have enough to set up my own Masai craft market here in Leeds *IDEA*

I'm trying to find my camera cord to add photos to this blog but I have no idea where anything is. I need an unpacking canon. Just load everything into the canon and fire! I forgot how much mess I made packing to leave England and it's all still here waiting for me! Gaaaaaaaah.

Plus, there's something so depressing about unpacking summer clothes knowing you won't need them for aaaaaaaages.

I'm off to stash the whole suitcase under my bed until further notice.

I miss Kenya.

Watamu-mazing day!

3 on a bike... minutes later we both burnt ourselves on the exhaust pipe. Damn those things get hot!

Watamu, Hemingways hotel

It's happy hour somewhere!

We took a trip to the North coast of Mombasa last week. Myself and Alice, a volunteer here, took a matatu for two hours up the coast for the grand sum of £2.20 - the same price of the fare from my house back home to Leeds city centre. I love Kenya.

On the way there, we were stopped by the police at the side of the road as our matatu was overloaded by two passengers. The two naughty passengers got out and were scolded by the police and a cheeky bribe might have been attempted to be passed between the driver and the police but the police decided to throw the book at them and write down the charges.

As we pulled away, the two passengers tried to jump back on board our fast moving matatu but they were seen by the police and decided it probably wasn't the best decision they'd make that day if they got back on board. So funny.

A little further along the road and there are fewer police and even fewer matatus, so overloading is more possible. At one stage in a 12 seater minivan, we had around 21 people and I was holding a baby all of a sudden with no idea who she belonged to.

Well this baby had clearly not spent much time with pale people like me. She had her little eyes so wide for the entire time I held her but she did not cry. Usually I like to make inappropriate jokes but something kicked in and I refrained from asking how much I could buy her baby for. I must be growing up!

Watamu itself is a small fishing village/town around two hours from Mombasa and it's well worth a visit. The waters are soooooo blue and you can go snorkelling and see piano fish just a few feet offshore. I love Kenya.

We spent a great day shopping, snorkelling and drinking cocktails. I'm good at all of these things. Except maybe snorkelling as I was stung by a jellyfish.

*Sorry, did you just say stung by a jellyfish???*

Yep. Stung. Stung bad. Except it was a baby jellyfish so the hotel staff were not nearly as impressed as I would have liked them to be...

In conclusion: if you go to Watamu, swing by Hemingways hotel and tell them you know me. They won't have a clue what you're talking about by it'll make my day.

Things I HAte About Kenya

NOTHING.

Talk to Joyce now, I'm done.

Just a sunset over the floating restaurant here, nothing spesh.

Swim up pool bar, yo. #allabouththekids

Tusks and that.